I’ve learned a few things about running a business over the years and since I’m such an expert, I thought I’d share them with you. If you think I’ve missed any, please do let me know.
1. Jump in, eyes closed–because knowledge is overrated.
2. Don’t listen–listening is for academics. Just talk over everyone else and move on.
3. Talk a lot, even if you have no point–people respect people who can talk. Even if what you have to say has nothing to do with the business at hand, your comments will provide a good distraction for the team. Plus, if you talk long enough, everyone will forget what the original topic was which was probably unpleasant anyway.
4. Don’t listen to your customers–what do they know? Just a bunch of cranky whiners. If they don’t buy from you, it’s their loss.
5. Copy the competition–everything has been done before anyway, so just do whatever the competition is doing and you’ve got a multi-million dollar business in the making right there.
6. Do not plan anything in advance–planning is for sissies. What you need to do is wing it and figure it out as you go along. Instincts should not be backed up with cold, hard facts under any circumstances.
7. Do not measure results–actual results do not need to be measured. Optics keep everyone happy.
8. Do not adapt–whatever you do, do not change your tactics mid-stream, even if they are not working. Those stupid customers will catch on at some point, don’t worry.
9. Depend on other people’s money and keep asking for more–there is an endless supply of money out there. Keep spending it and more will come.
10. Hire people to help you and then do everything yourself anyway–You have the best ideas anyway, so if you disagree with the experts you’ve hired, just ignore them.
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February 16, 2009 at 4:20 pm
ekochman
Very amusing, and a clever way to hit on all the top pieces of advice for anyone running a business. I have to say, I agree with every single point here (with the same mindset as you had when you wrote them)!
February 17, 2009 at 3:06 pm
ktennant
Wow, it sounds like you’ve been studying all of the businesses and establishments I have been spending money at lately. It’s amazing to me that the things that seem so basic to business life — as basic as sleeping and eating are to human life — can be so difficult for many business owners to grasp.
Thanks — I needed some sarcasm in my day! 🙂
February 17, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Serena
You don’t need an MBA to figure that out! Kudos.
February 18, 2009 at 4:34 pm
Terry
The sad part of your commentary is I have worked for companies that truly believe these are the golden nuggets that lead an organization to success.
I know they do not start out that way but as money becomes tight and suspicion that the experts you hired can no longer do the job because they now seem to disagree its time to pull in the reins, ban titles and have a matrix organization where all are equal in experience and talent save one.
February 20, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Thoughts Fur Paws
It is amazing how well number 3 works, in my personal experience. I have listened to many a manager go on and on forever about crap that they have no idea about but somehow it all made sense to the client!
February 26, 2009 at 10:18 am
Stephanie M
You forgot # 11. Underpay your employees and take a big bonus for yourself at the end of the year. 🙂
January 28, 2010 at 1:47 pm
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