I could have ran the Boston Marathon today, but I didn’t.

Why not, you ask?

1. Too Easy. I ran .2 miles over the past week (although I haven’t actually measured it, I’m sure all those errands add up to something), so I’m sure 26 more would have been a cake walk. I’m holding out for a real challenge, like 500 or 1,000 miles.

2. Too Cold. Down right nippy today. I prefer running in 90+ degree weather with high humidity.  Africa is where the “real” marathons are run. Just ask a cheetah or a gazelle.

3. Don’t want to take away from other’s amazing stories. I’m fairly certain that if a story broke about a 36-year-old couch potato living in Ashland running in the Boston Marathon, it would definitely steal the spotlight away from the Hoyts or the bunny men below. I just couldn’t live with that kind of guilt.

Who am I to steal their thunder?

Who am I to steal their thunder?

4. Too skinny already. My doctor tells me that I may waste away to nothing soon, so I should really cut back on all physical exercise (love him). My personal fitness goals are to raise my cholesterol by 100 points, acquire extra fat around my mid-section and decrease my lung capacity by 50 percent. I know it’s aggressive, but I’m sure I can do it if I follow my strict regimen of no marathons.

5. Pain should be enjoyed in private. Although I do believe self-inflicted pain builds character, I don’t like to do it publicly.

6. Prefer to run naked. To avoid chaffing, I now do all my running naked (with a generous layer of petroleum jelly in the appropriate places). The Wii trainer doesn’t seem to mind (and I think he even winked at me last time), but I have found that several Boston-area towns frown upon this.

7. Got the dates wrong. Patriots Day, Labor Day–I always mix those two up! Could someone arrange for a Marathon Wednesday next year?  It would be way easier for me to remember.

8. Water and orange allergy. I think I could be the only person on the planet with this food sensitivity (another point where I could steal the spotlight).  But I know I couldn’t let those local kids down by not eating their oranges and not drinking their water! I would surely go into anaphylactic shock by mile five.

9. Random bouts of narcolepsy. Unfortunately, I have found increasing instances of me falling flat on my face during long runs. Nothing to do with inexperience, under training or what doctors have called ‘total exhaustion’ and ‘stupidity’. I just need a quick cat nap before finishing up…sometimes I just sleep for 24 hours so that I can start again in the same spot the next day. Someone told me the Boston Marathon race officials aren’t so flexible with start and stop times.

10. Annoyed by cheering spectators. I definitely would have run the marathon if not for the thousands of adoring fans cheering me on. I much prefer to run in silence with traffic threatening to run me down at every turn. What kind of Boston Marathon would it be without someone screaming, “Get ya lazy ass outta the way of my caaaw!”

Maybe next year, but I wouldn’t hold your breath.