1473133645_726dfedeb1I’m sure there are slews of marketing-types who can show me all kinds of statistics to illustrate how wrong I am on this. And yes, I’m sure there are some lonely old folks who buy stuff just to talk to someone on the phone and I’m equally sure there are still a whole bunch of dumb idiots who fall for the same old school lame marketing tricks. But do they make it a success?

I don’t think so.

Because for every bad tactic, there is a horde of us who hate you for it. And we’ll never tell YOU what we think. We’ll simply stop buying your product and promptly tell EVERYONE we know not to buy your product. The damage can’t be found in a presentation or a white paper. But it’s real and you should listen up (because I’m always right).

1. Limited Time Only–Bullshit. I know you’ll be running another special deal soon, maybe even a better one next week.

2. Rebates–I’m not stupid. I know you are counting on me forgetting to mail this in and I hate you for that.

3. Email promotions–Unless I love you already and specifically asked you to tell me about upcoming specials or events, I don’t want to hear from you. AND if I just bought something from you, DO NOT hound me to buy from you again a day later.

4. Junk via snail mail–Come on people. It’s 2009 and we have evolved! I’m here to tell all who are still doing this that I throw EVERY SINGLE promotional piece I get in my mailbox directly into the recycling bin. What a waste.

5. The “mom” bucket–I know, we moms make most purchasing decisions, so you are just dying to sell what you got to us, but DO NOT use clichés of an antiquated mommy-ideal. I’m a mom and I’m unique. Don’t patronize me.

6. 30 day free trial–Right. Similar to the rebate, you are just counting on me to forget to cancel that subscription or service. My husband may fall for it, but I sure don’t.

7. Limit 10–Don’t play your twisted psychological games with me. I need one, maybe two. I’m not going to buy ten just because you have insinuated that there will be some sort of shortage on said merchandise.

8. Scare tactics–Don’t tell me that if I don’t get your tires that I’m putting my baby at risk. I feel like an incompetent mother enough on my own thanks.

9. Phone calls–AUGH. Nothing annoys me more than phone calls. Unless you are a member of my family or on the exclusive friend list, DO NOT call me. EVER.

10. Extended Warranties–So what you are telling me is that you EXPECT your product to break exactly one year from now? And the only way to avoid an expensive repair or replacement is to pay EXTRA?? You suck. How about you make it better in the first place?

Of course on the flip side, there are tactics that I love–like FREE shipping, FREE samples, FREE anything really. I also like discount tickets to events and fun family things in exchange for membership. I also like really flexible return policies (love you, LL Bean). I’ll also admit that I’m a sucker for great packaging (Vitamin Water). And of course, awesome customer service–because I am number one, damn it.

Don’t ever forget it.