Seeing is Believing

I wondered if this would be the year that Santa would stop bringing us presents–so I could finally get the credit I deserve for all my hard work and thoughtfulness–but, so far, the lie lives on.

I’m not sure if I should be impressed with my ability to perpetuate the ridiculous lie with total seriousness. Or disappointed that my daughter is so gullible that she’ll believe anything I tell her.

Let’s go with my incredible lying skills.  I’ve always been an impressive liar. Deny. Deny. Deny. Do it with conviction. Cover your tracks.

When it comes to Christmas though, I go above and beyond my normal untruthfulness to what some might categorize as full-blown paranoia. You be the judge:

1. I buy new wrapping paper every year in secret so that Santa’s presents have wrapping paper never seen before on Christmas Day. (Santa does leave the leftovers for mommy to use next year–he rocks.)

2. After sprinkling reindeer food outside the on Christmas Eve, I go out after the kid is asleep and make sure it’s “eaten” by morning–because those reindeer are famished and it just wouldn’t make sense if it didn’t get eaten!

3. I trash everyone who doesn’t believe in Santa. Losers. All of ’em. “Really, so-n-so doesn’t believe in Santa? Wow, that’s really sad. We should pray for their souls.”

4. I leave the front door unlocked so Santa can get in. Luckily, no one has caught on and broken into our house yet.

5. I concocted a fake photo of Santa in our living room (see above). Who took the photo you might ask? Well, an elf of course. Or Rudolf.  There are several suspects.

6. I write a note from Santa in which I use a fake handwriting style so I’m not suspected as the actual writer.

7. I make my husband eat whatever treat is left out for Santa. This year we’re thinking: GIANT CUPCAKE. I suggested Santa leave a face print in the top, but we’ll see how Santa’s feeling that night. It must be eaten in it’s entirety–no traces can be left in the trash because Santa is fat and therefore, he must not turn away free treats. EVER.

8. Store boxes and bags are brought out to the garage and hidden in large black trash bags. Because even though Santa does do overflow shopping at the mall, it just doesn’t seem believeable that he also wraps them at our house and leaves his trash behind.

9. I make sure that Santa gives mommy an envelope every year with receipts so that any gifts can be exchanged as needed. That Santa, he’s always thinkin.

10. I pretend that we don’t have the right size batteries for new toys, but then have them magically appear right when we need them. Wow, that Santa thinks of everything.

Lastly, I drug the dog because otherwise, why wouldn’t he bark?

What kind of crazy do you do to keep the lie alive?

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