In a few short years, my daughter will make the transition to teenager–that awful stage of growing up where children turn from cute miniature versions of youself to devil spawn, hell bent on making everyone else in their lives miserable. 

I know it will soon be my daughter’s life mission to manipulate and control me with her lies, her irrational, see-saw emotions, and her cute, innocent face. So, in turn, it is my new life’s mission to cut her off at the pass. To thwort her plans. To beat her at her own game.

Sure, she acts all sweet and innocent now, but I know it’s all an act. Her calculated deceptions to lull my husband and I into a false sense of security are all part of her master plan. These things may work on her dad, but not me. Oh, not me.

This is war and I will not go down without a fight. But, the changes are subtle and I must be vigilant to keep one step ahead of her:

1. She completes her homework every night. She thinks she’s so smart. You see, every time I ask if her homework is done and she says yes and I check and it is done, she thinks she’s won my trust. But I’m on to her. I know she’s setting me up for the later years when the homework is harder and she doesn’t want to do it at all. Does she think she can manipulate me that easy? Oh, I’ll be checking your homework until you go off to college, missy. So get used to it.

2. She picks nice friends to play with. You know the type–they’re all giggles and innocent fun when they know you’re within hear shot. But, the minute your’re not they’ll be talking about boys and experimental drugs. So, what do I do? I plunk myself down in the middle of the action and never leave them alone. Privacy schmivacy. Better get used to it, I’ll be going on all your dates too.

3. She stopped wearing girly outfits. I’ll admit it, I was all too happy to see the princess-phase fade away, but does my girl think she can really hide her inner diva from me in those sweatpants? Guess again. So, you know what I did? I took her to Abercrombie and bought her a new wardrode. After that, we bought bras and perfune and earrings and glitter. That’ll teach her.

4. She doesn’t like talking on the phone. I know, you’re probably thinking that I’m so lucky. Blah, blah. And all that “this is a good thing” crap. But, I know what she’s doing (being the devious little hell-child she is). She’s making us WISH she would talk on the phone more. So much so, that when she does finally does start talking, we’ll practically buy her any cell phone she wants and encourage her to go up to her room and talk to her friends for hours. Can you believe this calculating little bitch! Well, she’s not getting a phone. Ever.

5. She never talks back. She may hold her tongue, but I know she’s flipping me the bird in her head. So, I yell at her anyway and send her to her room on a regular basis. I bet a lot of kids get away with this behavior, but not mine.

Has your daughter been pulling this crap on your too? Consider yourself warned. Don’t let her get away with it any longer.