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I know you’ve been waiting a long time for me to write a new post, so let me get right to it. In honor of Mother’s Day, I thought I’d give moms everywhere what they’ve been hoping for all year–unsolicited advice from a complete stranger.

Here are my quick answers to the most pressing questions new moms often have:

How to make your kids smart. Place them in front of the TV at least 8 hours a day. If that doesn’t work, give them a double dose and restrict all outside activity.

How to potty train. The age at which your child is potty trained is a direct reflection of your IQ. If anyone tells you different, they are lying (and probably stupid). Bribery and shame are both excellent tactics.

How to deal with a sick child. Contrary to popular belief, kids are rarely really sick. Often they feign fevers and vomiting as a ploy to get you stay home from work. Pump them up with drugs and then send them off to daycare/school. Do not stay home from work under any circumstances.

When to call the doctor. Never. You are always overreacting.

How to balance work and home. When your child complains they never see you, make sure to tell them that they will always come second.

How to pay for a kid. Everyone knows that the more money you throw at a kid, the better they turn out. Do not shop for bargains, do not clip coupons and NEVER buy generic. Do mortgage the house to pay for private school and max your credit cards to pay for iPads and designer jeans.

Mother Shaffer has been giving unfounded parenting advice for a while now. Since she has one child of her own, she needs no other qualification in order to spew complete rubbish. If you would like to receive a personal response to your parenting issue(s) from Mother Shaffer, please ask your questions in the comments.

Isn't he precious? So wierd that he grew up and gunned down 5 classmates.

Looking at the calendar, you may not be surprised to find that we are largely a nation that celebrates birthdays and victories–moments in time when we are at our best. Or at least, moments we can be proud of.

What we don’t celebrate is our lowest hours, our failures and dark moments that define how we think and act towards others.  Rarely do we put a spotlight on moments we should be ashamed of.

Maybe it’s about time we did. Read the rest of this entry »

Idiots Rule!

You know what this country needs? More idiots in the spotlight.

Maybe I’m just sick and tired of all the logical and thoughtful banter I’ve been hearing on NPR lately. But you know educated debate is BORING. We Americans need entertainment. We don’t need to learn about foreign affairs or other cultures or history or any of that kind of crap.

No sir. We need to give more people like  Pastor Terry Jones a voice.  Because nothing says news like a pathetic wacko with a heap of hatred for a religion with one major fault–it’s not his. Read the rest of this entry »

Kiss my ass

Hello everyone. Yes, apparently I decided to take the summer off from my blog. Can’t say that was by design or anything, but hey, you get what you pay for.

To catch you up on my life, it’s been a busy, yet uneventful summer. My daughter is 10 and is asking for a cell phone. My dog still follows me everywhere and eats the occasional shoe. And my husband longs to booze it up like we did when we were 20, but he mostly ends up having one drink and falling asleep.

All-in-all, our current lame-ass, boring life is a nice change from other times in our lives of late. I realize that every life has challenges and our bad times certainly could have been worse, but still–they totally sucked at the time.

Most recently, late 2007-late 2009 is what I now refer to as the era of Total Crazy Shit Happening. Read the rest of this entry »