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I know you’ve been waiting a long time for me to write a new post, so let me get right to it. In honor of Mother’s Day, I thought I’d give moms everywhere what they’ve been hoping for all year–unsolicited advice from a complete stranger.

Here are my quick answers to the most pressing questions new moms often have:

How to make your kids smart. Place them in front of the TV at least 8 hours a day. If that doesn’t work, give them a double dose and restrict all outside activity.

How to potty train. The age at which your child is potty trained is a direct reflection of your IQ. If anyone tells you different, they are lying (and probably stupid). Bribery and shame are both excellent tactics.

How to deal with a sick child. Contrary to popular belief, kids are rarely really sick. Often they feign fevers and vomiting as a ploy to get you stay home from work. Pump them up with drugs and then send them off to daycare/school. Do not stay home from work under any circumstances.

When to call the doctor. Never. You are always overreacting.

How to balance work and home. When your child complains they never see you, make sure to tell them that they will always come second.

How to pay for a kid. Everyone knows that the more money you throw at a kid, the better they turn out. Do not shop for bargains, do not clip coupons and NEVER buy generic. Do mortgage the house to pay for private school and max your credit cards to pay for iPads and designer jeans.

Mother Shaffer has been giving unfounded parenting advice for a while now. Since she has one child of her own, she needs no other qualification in order to spew complete rubbish. If you would like to receive a personal response to your parenting issue(s) from Mother Shaffer, please ask your questions in the comments.

 

Mt. Monadnock

 

Dear Mother Shaffer,

In case you forgot, you haven’t been to the gym in over a year.  Maybe longer.  And no, walking the dog once a week around the neighborhood does not constitute sufficient aerobic exercise. Neither does running up the stairs in your home once a day.

So, the next time you think you can climb a mountain 2 hours to the top and another 2 hours to the bottom at a moment’s notice–think again.

You are out of shape. You can’t suddenly get in shape on the day you decide to hike with the family. In fact, you may very well die if you do it that way. Or wet yourself. Or fall on your face. Or cry like a baby. Did you even read the sign??!!

Remember how your heart felt like it was going to pound out of your chest about 1/2 hour into the 2 hour assent? And your daughter gave you that “what’s your problem?” look because she just couldn’t fathom anyone getting winded that quickly?

Well, I’m writing this note so you don’t forget it. So you’ll get off your ass and go for a run once in a while. Or maybe a gym. Or something. So we don’t have to re-live this embarrassment again.

Sincerely,

The smarter, healthier, better version of you

 

So NOT inappropriate!

 

It’s that time of year again–Halloween. A time to agonize over the perfect costume for my precious 11-year-old child. I wrote about our struggle to find just the right outfit last year. It was a tough decision, but in the end, we settled on “whore”.

This year, I’m not going to walk into a costume store and just pick anything categorized as “girl” to suit our whore needs. No sir. Too easy.

This year, I’m going to take it to a whole new level. Yeah, that’s right.  I’m going for a look that you won’t find in a costume store for kids. Read the rest of this entry »

VIPs demand respect

OK, I know I am a terrible, terrible person for not posting more often, but you must know that as is the case with all terrible people, I am also a very important person.  And the responsibility that comes with being important means that I can’t possibly be expected to produce an endless amount of material for you to read whenever you want without a great deal of whining and complaining first.

I do think about all of you often–my forever faithful–and I feel your withdrawal symptoms as if they were my own. But apparently, I don’t care enough to actually write more posts, so your just going to have to stop judging me and get used to  it.

It’s nothing personal. I’m just such a big VIP now, that I run a little behind now and then.

Yeah, that’s right. I said VIP.  As in: Very Incompetent Plagiarizer.

Sadly, I have to write my own shit.

And it kind of sucks sometimes, because it takes time. To think and to write. It takes a lot of freakin time. PLUS I do other stuff other than write. My days are an endless barrage of to-dos.  Obligations. Affairs. People to piss off. Family to let down. It never ends.

So, you can see being a VIP is tough.  I can’t just spit out new posts every day. I need time. Space. Peace.

And that’s never going to happen. So here we are. An endless supply of sporadic posts in our future.

In a few short years, my daughter will make the transition to teenager–that awful stage of growing up where children turn from cute miniature versions of youself to devil spawn, hell bent on making everyone else in their lives miserable.  Read the rest of this entry »

Seeing is Believing

I wondered if this would be the year that Santa would stop bringing us presents–so I could finally get the credit I deserve for all my hard work and thoughtfulness–but, so far, the lie lives on.

I’m not sure if I should be impressed with my ability to perpetuate the ridiculous lie with total seriousness. Or disappointed that my daughter is so gullible that she’ll believe anything I tell her.

Let’s go with my incredible lying skills.  I’ve always been an impressive liar. Deny. Deny. Deny. Do it with conviction. Cover your tracks.

When it comes to Christmas though, I go above and beyond my normal untruthfulness to what some might categorize as full-blown paranoia. You be the judge: Read the rest of this entry »

I love my babysitter. And so does my girl.

We love, love, lover her.

She is always here when we need her–after school, rainy days, lazy days, sunny days and busy days.

She always has something new to show us–a recipe, a project, a lesson.

She always knows when we just want to veg and do nothing but watch her.

She steps in whenever I’m too busy with bills, research or writing my blogs.

She never seems to sleep and she never gets tired.

She’s always eager to see us as we are to see her.

Some may think I’m lazy for using her. Some think she sucks your brain. Some think babysitters need a pulse.

I think she’s great. And you all secretly think so too.

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Yep, it's true. He can do dishes.

Maria Shriver is annoying me.

And that itself bugs me because I try not to immediately get annoyed by a successful, beautiful woman because…well, that’s what women do. They are quick to criticize. Other women. And I like to think I’m better than those women.

But, nevertheless, Maria is bugging the crap out of me this week with her “A Woman’s Nation” special reports on NBC.

Not that I don’t agree that woman are earning more money and sharing the burden of managing the home and the kids with their husbands more than 30 years ago, but it just irks me that we need to highlight it like it’s some unbelievable phenomenon. Read the rest of this entry »

My daughter, my one and only child, will be ten this winter. Ten. Double freakin’ digits.

And do you know what double digits means? It means the end of the little girl I’ve been holding on to. The one I’d like to stay nine forever. The one that has no idea what growing up means. The one that still believes in Santa and the Tooth Fairy and thinks her mom knows the answer to everything.

It means we’ll be having the “talk” soon. The talk that dispels all the mystery and reveals the secret lives of ADULTS. Read the rest of this entry »

Again, sorry for the long lapses between posts. Unemployment can be a real time-sucker.

Thought I’d update everyone on my recent activities since my life is that interesting and I know you are all dying to know. Read the rest of this entry »