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In a few short years, my daughter will make the transition to teenager–that awful stage of growing up where children turn from cute miniature versions of youself to devil spawn, hell bent on making everyone else in their lives miserable.  Read the rest of this entry »

I’m not one for resolutions, but I’ve been mulling over what I can achieve this year. What new challenges lurk around the corner? What new goals can I set for myself? What can I do that’ll make me and my family proud?

Experts say that you should set small, attainable goals rather than going big and risk going another year with nothing to show for it.

Thank you, experts! Here’s my top 10 small, attainable goals for 2010:

10. I will stop eating vegetables

9. I will gain 10 pounds

8. I will spend money I do not have

7. I will end my affair with Tiger Woods

6. I will stop taking steroids to improve my game

5. I will inject more caffeine into my diet

4. I will drink alone more

3. I will nag my husband to take on new house projects he has no business doing

2. I will ignore my family’s future and invest in nothing

1. I will get one year older

Are you with me? What’s your goal for 2010?

There has been a lot of press the past couple of days regarding the behavior of a New Mexico female soccer player that has been deemed by some as “unsportsmanlike”.  If you haven’t seen the footage yet, check it out:

Unbelievable, right?

I know what you’re thinking–Elizabeth Lambert is my freakin’ hero.

My daughter plays soccer and it is a physical game. There is elbowing, pushing and tripping happening all over the place (and she’s only nine). I used to worry she would get hurt, but now, I realize those mean girls are just prepping her for college ball and beyond. I should thank them.

I’m putting Elizabeth Lambert’s picture up on my daughter’s wall. After all, this is exactly what people pay money to see.

The reality is that my girl has got to toughen up if she’s going to compete. Sports isn’t about winning or losing–it’s about who can do the most damage to whom AND get the most press coverage.

Because how else are girls going to get people to come watch their games?

Men have been battling it out on the field or court for the benefit of the audience for years–seriously, does anyone really watch hockey for the players’ skating skills?

For the women, I think it started with Tonya Harting and her psycho ex-husband–they were a spectackular train wreck no one could take their eyes off.  Sure they almost ruined Nancy Kerrigan’s career, but millions tuned in to see the ultimate battle unfold–and that’s just good television. We should thank Tonya for her efforts to propel the popularity of women’s figure skating.

And football? Bull riding? Running of the bulls?  Who doesn’t watch these things in the hopes of seeing someone paralyzed, trampled or gored?

Cheap shots, fights, breaking the rules and horrible injuries. This is the stuff we admire. This is the stuff we watch.

Unsportsmanlike? I think not. It’s exactly sportsmanlike.

I love my babysitter. And so does my girl.

We love, love, lover her.

She is always here when we need her–after school, rainy days, lazy days, sunny days and busy days.

She always has something new to show us–a recipe, a project, a lesson.

She always knows when we just want to veg and do nothing but watch her.

She steps in whenever I’m too busy with bills, research or writing my blogs.

She never seems to sleep and she never gets tired.

She’s always eager to see us as we are to see her.

Some may think I’m lazy for using her. Some think she sucks your brain. Some think babysitters need a pulse.

I think she’s great. And you all secretly think so too.

Make mommy proud!

Now, go get us some candy!

Every year, I look forward to picking out a Halloween outfit for my girl. She was a pumpkin the first couple years; then Peter Pan (I was so proud she didn’t want to be Tinker Bell); then Snow White; then Cinderella; then a couple witches.

And this year?

A whore. Read the rest of this entry »

There’s a lot of talk around Washington these days regarding health care reform. But do any of us think that a bunch of bureaucrats lining their pockets with health insurance company campaign funding are really going to make changes necessary that benefit sick people?

I have my doubts.

So, I have an alternative plan–one that may be met with some resistance at first. But I’m sure you’ll realize soon enough that it is the only alternative we have–kill all sick people before their health care costs get out of hand. Read the rest of this entry »

I could have ran the Boston Marathon today, but I didn’t.

Why not, you ask?

1. Too Easy. I ran .2 miles over the past week (although I haven’t actually measured it, I’m sure all those errands add up to something), so I’m sure 26 more would have been a cake walk. I’m holding out for a real challenge, like 500 or 1,000 miles.

2. Too Cold. Down right nippy today. I prefer running in 90+ degree weather with high humidity.  Africa is where the “real” marathons are run. Just ask a cheetah or a gazelle.

3. Don’t want to take away from other’s amazing stories. I’m fairly certain that if a story broke about a 36-year-old couch potato living in Ashland running in the Boston Marathon, it would definitely steal the spotlight away from the Hoyts or the bunny men below. I just couldn’t live with that kind of guilt.

Who am I to steal their thunder?

Who am I to steal their thunder?

Read the rest of this entry »

Mandatory birth control?

Mandatory birth control?

I know I begged the media to stop talking about Nadya Suleman, but since they can’t seem to let it go,  I’m here to offer a few suggestions that I’ve been kicking around in my head for years that will surely put an end to incapable parents birthing more than their share of children in the future.

First, a few scary annual facts about children in the US:

cliff2I’ve learned a few things about running a business over the years and since I’m such an expert, I thought I’d share them with you.  If you think I’ve missed any, please do let me know.

1. Jump in, eyes closed–because knowledge is overrated. Read the rest of this entry »