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How are you not getting this?

After 37 years of life on this earth, it occurred to me that others may not get what I’m thinking. I spend a lot of time in my head and I’m always surprised to learn that you all aren’t in there with me.  Seriously, you seem so real…

Here’s a handy guide on how to read my thoughts:

1. Silence: This is my normal mode of being. If I’m quiet, I am thinking about things to say, but you aren’t responding to this, so I’m letting them go. Or, we are having a great conversation in my head. Keep it up.

2. Stabbing you with my eyes. This may accompany some eye-rolling, but you have to be very observant to catch it. Either way, I pretty much want to hurt you. Stop doing whatever you are doing or face my wrath.

3. The walk away. This usually means, your conversation sucks and I’m resisting the urge to vomit on you. Or I had to go pee.

4. Look of disbelief. This is my, “you better check yourself because I can’t friggin’ believe you can’t hear what I’m thinking right now” look. I’m really pissed off and you need to search yourself for clues as to why that is and how you can fix it.

5. The eye twitch. You’ve touched upon a subject that makes me very uncomfortable. It is advisable you move on or you’ll lose me.

6. The snicker. You funny. You may continue to amuse me.

7. Listening. I find you interesting. Keep talking.

8. The look away. I’m resisting the urge to assert my superiority. Think about what you are saying and choose your next words carefully. Now is a good time to ask for my expert opinion.

9. Come hither. If you aren’t feelin’ it, you ain’t gettin’ it. Now whose fault is that?

10. Sleeping. Many of my best conversations happen while I am asleep. If you visit me in my sleep, make sure you are amazing so that I respect and admire you when I wake up.

Don't make me kill you.

A fellow blogger recently wrote a post about making an effort not to get so annoyed with people over little things. She actually talked about being more compassionate with people.

That’s nice.

I have a different approach. Read the rest of this entry »

I’m not one for resolutions, but I’ve been mulling over what I can achieve this year. What new challenges lurk around the corner? What new goals can I set for myself? What can I do that’ll make me and my family proud?

Experts say that you should set small, attainable goals rather than going big and risk going another year with nothing to show for it.

Thank you, experts! Here’s my top 10 small, attainable goals for 2010:

10. I will stop eating vegetables

9. I will gain 10 pounds

8. I will spend money I do not have

7. I will end my affair with Tiger Woods

6. I will stop taking steroids to improve my game

5. I will inject more caffeine into my diet

4. I will drink alone more

3. I will nag my husband to take on new house projects he has no business doing

2. I will ignore my family’s future and invest in nothing

1. I will get one year older

Are you with me? What’s your goal for 2010?