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Do not disturb

I’ll admit it–going to work every day can be hard. It can also be frustrating. Tedious. Painful. Annoying. Paralyzing. Stifling. And sometimes,  it’s even the last place on earth I want to be.

But lately, I’ve been taking steps to ensure my work is more like a little slice of heaven rather than hell on earth.

Can it be done? Follow my 5 steps to workplace bliss:

1. Perfect your fantasy world

When I sit at my computer for hours on end, when my eyes start to glaze over and everything on the screen is a blur…I like to take a few hours to stare at my Azul, beach-scene desktop background.

After a while, it really comes to life.

I could. I am. There.

2. Take a meeting

Don’t dread useless meetings anymore. When I go to a really important meeting with lots of important people, I pay careful attention for the first five minutes or so, but then I let my mind drift to somewhere. Else.

It’s like going to a whole other world. A happy place. I call it a meet-cation.

You’ll be begging to go to more meetings.

3. Turn workplace health hazards into a slacking-off opportunity.

I used to sit under two huge sky lights–yep, 8 hours of pure, natural, blinding light. Beating down on me. Just like at the beach. In fact, certain times of the day it got so bright that I couldn’t see my computer screen.

Did I complain? Nope! I just put up my feet, set up an umbrella and poured myself a cocktail while I waited for the earth to rotate.

4. Take more “coffee” breaks

The coffee break. That little moment of zen that I try to repeat at least three times daily. Sunshine in  a cup. And to make it extra special try adding a little spirit into the mix. Or a lot. Or just skip the coffee all together and go for the hard stuff straight up.

5. Wear inappropriate attire

Take “casual dress” to a whole new level. Bikini tops, daisy dukes, flip flops, giant sunglasses. The looks you’ll get walking down the corridors of the office can feel just like the ones you get when ogled by pedophiles at the beach. Go on. Give ’em a show.

Who needs surf, sand and sun when you can have it all and get credit for working too? Genius.

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VIPs demand respect

OK, I know I am a terrible, terrible person for not posting more often, but you must know that as is the case with all terrible people, I am also a very important person.  And the responsibility that comes with being important means that I can’t possibly be expected to produce an endless amount of material for you to read whenever you want without a great deal of whining and complaining first.

I do think about all of you often–my forever faithful–and I feel your withdrawal symptoms as if they were my own. But apparently, I don’t care enough to actually write more posts, so your just going to have to stop judging me and get used to  it.

It’s nothing personal. I’m just such a big VIP now, that I run a little behind now and then.

Yeah, that’s right. I said VIP.  As in: Very Incompetent Plagiarizer.

Sadly, I have to write my own shit.

And it kind of sucks sometimes, because it takes time. To think and to write. It takes a lot of freakin time. PLUS I do other stuff other than write. My days are an endless barrage of to-dos.  Obligations. Affairs. People to piss off. Family to let down. It never ends.

So, you can see being a VIP is tough.  I can’t just spit out new posts every day. I need time. Space. Peace.

And that’s never going to happen. So here we are. An endless supply of sporadic posts in our future.

For those of you who don’t know: I got a job!

No wait. That’s not right.

I got THE job! Read the rest of this entry »

Donald DraperI’m not sure how this happened, but I only just started watching “Mad Men” with only five episodes left in season three.  It’s especially weird because it is so my kind of show–drama mixed with social commentary mixed with tragically flawed characters (including a couple of struggling writers no less!).

Seriously, where have I been?

Despite the fact I am woefully under-informed about who these characters are and how they have ended up where they are now, I found myself deeply moved by the main character, Don Draper’s simple proclamation in this season’s finale episode:

“I want to work.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Yep, it's true. He can do dishes.

Maria Shriver is annoying me.

And that itself bugs me because I try not to immediately get annoyed by a successful, beautiful woman because…well, that’s what women do. They are quick to criticize. Other women. And I like to think I’m better than those women.

But, nevertheless, Maria is bugging the crap out of me this week with her “A Woman’s Nation” special reports on NBC.

Not that I don’t agree that woman are earning more money and sharing the burden of managing the home and the kids with their husbands more than 30 years ago, but it just irks me that we need to highlight it like it’s some unbelievable phenomenon. Read the rest of this entry »

I’m unemployed and therefore, I’m currently, technically without health care coverage. It sucks. It stresses me out and I want it to end. Today.

But I have to wait.

Until all the powers that be decide what options they are willing to offer me.

Read the rest of this entry »

Again, sorry for the long lapses between posts. Unemployment can be a real time-sucker.

Thought I’d update everyone on my recent activities since my life is that interesting and I know you are all dying to know. Read the rest of this entry »

Lostjobiffound

I read about a contest for the best six word resume and it got me thinking:

“You need awesome; I am available.”

What do you think?

For those of you who may have read my post on religion, you know I’m not exactly a practicing Catholic. But, the whole Lent thing got me thinking. If I were to “give up” something this year, what would it be? I mean, in this economy, do I really need to give up my morning home-brewed generic brand coffee or my tub of chocolate ice cream that I use for emergencies only?

So, I thought about it and then it hit me–I can give up something that doesn’t cost me a thing: a personality flaw. Read the rest of this entry »