VIPs demand respect

OK, I know I am a terrible, terrible person for not posting more often, but you must know that as is the case with all terrible people, I am also a very important person.  And the responsibility that comes with being important means that I can’t possibly be expected to produce an endless amount of material for you to read whenever you want without a great deal of whining and complaining first.

I do think about all of you often–my forever faithful–and I feel your withdrawal symptoms as if they were my own. But apparently, I don’t care enough to actually write more posts, so your just going to have to stop judging me and get used to  it.

It’s nothing personal. I’m just such a big VIP now, that I run a little behind now and then.

Yeah, that’s right. I said VIP.  As in: Very Incompetent Plagiarizer.

Sadly, I have to write my own shit.

And it kind of sucks sometimes, because it takes time. To think and to write. It takes a lot of freakin time. PLUS I do other stuff other than write. My days are an endless barrage of to-dos.  Obligations. Affairs. People to piss off. Family to let down. It never ends.

So, you can see being a VIP is tough.  I can’t just spit out new posts every day. I need time. Space. Peace.

And that’s never going to happen. So here we are. An endless supply of sporadic posts in our future.

Piece of cake.

A little late in the game, but I gotta write the obligatory Olympics post. Go USA (insert beer burp and potato chip crunch here).

I have to admit. I have been sucked in–especially by the new events like snowboard and ski cross. These events just exude the epitome of what we all want in our Olympic competitions–big crashes and agonizing moments of defeat. Great bodily harm is just a bonus.

It got me thinking that we need to come up with more of these not-for-the-faint-of-heart athletic competitions for future Olympics.  So, here you go Olympic Committee (and the world):

Heli-ski (or Ski from Hel)–This would involve several skiers launching themselves out of helicopters onto a vertical slope with obstacles like jagged rocks and cliffs. First one to the bottom, wins.

Ski-valanche–Here you would have one run (none of that time-consuming practice or qualifying runs, crap) where all the skiers would be dropped at the top of a mountain and given a head start while someone sets off a small explosion where by creating an avalanche that will chase the skiers down the mountain and pick them off one by one (or all at once). Whoever is left unburied at the end, wins.

Sit-n-Spin–Remember how fun this was as a kid? And we’ve all seen the ice skaters perform their obligatory spin moves a hundred different ways, but it’s kind of boring, right? Why not get them all on the ice together and see who can spin the longest without either throwing up or falling over?

Hypo-swim–Did you notice there’s no swimming competition at the Winter Olympics? We need Michael Phelps to further exemplify US domination over the rest of the world. So, why not have a swim in the open ocean in subzero temps and the occasional hungry shark?

Super Fly (or Super F)–Think Super G meets Pegasus. Skiers don wings to literally fly down the mountain. They get points off for touching the ground before the finish line.

Motor Slide–For those of us who live in snowier climates, we know it takes skill to drive on snow and ice. So why not make a sport out of it? Like motor cross without traction.

Gotta an Olympic event idea? Do tell.

Happy Valentines' Day--JERK!

I apologize in advance to those who are shocked by this news. I know it’s probably considered more appropriate to keep this type of information to yourself for a awhile before telling friends, family, co-workers and complete strangers. But we live in a time where nothing is sacred. Everyone knows everyone’s business. So, I figure. Let’s just get it out there and live with the consequences.

I didn’t want it to end this way–given our lengthy history. We met in college–nearly 20 years ago. I was naive and eager to find a partner who was willing to accept me for me–despite my humble beginnings as a waitress.

We had what I thought was a strong mutual respect for each other in the beginning. And I stuck with him through thick and thin. I trusted him despite signs that his ego was growing out of control and I had ignored his many indiscretions. Read the rest of this entry »

Don't make me kill you.

A fellow blogger recently wrote a post about making an effort not to get so annoyed with people over little things. She actually talked about being more compassionate with people.

That’s nice.

I have a different approach. Read the rest of this entry »

In a few short years, my daughter will make the transition to teenager–that awful stage of growing up where children turn from cute miniature versions of youself to devil spawn, hell bent on making everyone else in their lives miserable.  Read the rest of this entry »

Back off, mister. I'm not in the mood.

When I started writing this blog, I didn’t think it through all that much. I mean, I had read a bunch of blogs, I had some post ideas and I knew a few social media tricks to generate some traffic to my blog. And, yeah, I like to write.

So, I jumped.

But after doing it for more than a year, I sometimes find myself crumbling under the pressure–the pressure to put out. And frankly, I’m not always in the mood. Read the rest of this entry »

Is this the kind of poo you're looking for?

Like most bloggers, I check my stats now and then. But I’m not obsessive about it. Nor do I really think much about SEO when I write posts for this blog. I just stick to the writing and if people find me and like me, then great.

Upon occasion, I have found myself slightly perplexed albeit amused by the odd search terms used that have resulted in some random freak stumbling upon my blog.

Now I’m sure some of thoee freaks readers were pleasantly surprised by my sharp wit and pen prowess, but it is possible a few were disappointed.

For example:

“people getting pooped on”

Wow. I’m not even sure which post of mine popped up for this search, but this person obviously was looking for a shit show and got me talking shit. Hope they quickly moved on to find what they were really looking for and will not be back. Read the rest of this entry »

I’m not one for resolutions, but I’ve been mulling over what I can achieve this year. What new challenges lurk around the corner? What new goals can I set for myself? What can I do that’ll make me and my family proud?

Experts say that you should set small, attainable goals rather than going big and risk going another year with nothing to show for it.

Thank you, experts! Here’s my top 10 small, attainable goals for 2010:

10. I will stop eating vegetables

9. I will gain 10 pounds

8. I will spend money I do not have

7. I will end my affair with Tiger Woods

6. I will stop taking steroids to improve my game

5. I will inject more caffeine into my diet

4. I will drink alone more

3. I will nag my husband to take on new house projects he has no business doing

2. I will ignore my family’s future and invest in nothing

1. I will get one year older

Are you with me? What’s your goal for 2010?

Seeing is Believing

I wondered if this would be the year that Santa would stop bringing us presents–so I could finally get the credit I deserve for all my hard work and thoughtfulness–but, so far, the lie lives on.

I’m not sure if I should be impressed with my ability to perpetuate the ridiculous lie with total seriousness. Or disappointed that my daughter is so gullible that she’ll believe anything I tell her.

Let’s go with my incredible lying skills.  I’ve always been an impressive liar. Deny. Deny. Deny. Do it with conviction. Cover your tracks.

When it comes to Christmas though, I go above and beyond my normal untruthfulness to what some might categorize as full-blown paranoia. You be the judge: Read the rest of this entry »

For those of you who don’t know: I got a job!

No wait. That’s not right.

I got THE job! Read the rest of this entry »