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Piece of cake.

A little late in the game, but I gotta write the obligatory Olympics post. Go USA (insert beer burp and potato chip crunch here).

I have to admit. I have been sucked in–especially by the new events like snowboard and ski cross. These events just exude the epitome of what we all want in our Olympic competitions–big crashes and agonizing moments of defeat. Great bodily harm is just a bonus.

It got me thinking that we need to come up with more of these not-for-the-faint-of-heart athletic competitions for future Olympics.  So, here you go Olympic Committee (and the world):

Heli-ski (or Ski from Hel)–This would involve several skiers launching themselves out of helicopters onto a vertical slope with obstacles like jagged rocks and cliffs. First one to the bottom, wins.

Ski-valanche–Here you would have one run (none of that time-consuming practice or qualifying runs, crap) where all the skiers would be dropped at the top of a mountain and given a head start while someone sets off a small explosion where by creating an avalanche that will chase the skiers down the mountain and pick them off one by one (or all at once). Whoever is left unburied at the end, wins.

Sit-n-Spin–Remember how fun this was as a kid? And we’ve all seen the ice skaters perform their obligatory spin moves a hundred different ways, but it’s kind of boring, right? Why not get them all on the ice together and see who can spin the longest without either throwing up or falling over?

Hypo-swim–Did you notice there’s no swimming competition at the Winter Olympics? We need Michael Phelps to further exemplify US domination over the rest of the world. So, why not have a swim in the open ocean in subzero temps and the occasional hungry shark?

Super Fly (or Super F)–Think Super G meets Pegasus. Skiers don wings to literally fly down the mountain. They get points off for touching the ground before the finish line.

Motor Slide–For those of us who live in snowier climates, we know it takes skill to drive on snow and ice. So why not make a sport out of it? Like motor cross without traction.

Gotta an Olympic event idea? Do tell.