Tips for reading my mind

How are you not getting this?

After 37 years of life on this earth, it occurred to me that others may not get what I’m thinking. I spend a lot of time in my head and I’m always surprised to learn that you all aren’t in there with me.  Seriously, you seem so real…

Here’s a handy guide on how to read my thoughts:

1. Silence: This is my normal mode of being. If I’m quiet, I am thinking about things to say, but you aren’t responding to this, so I’m letting them go. Or, we are having a great conversation in my head. Keep it up.

2. Stabbing you with my eyes. This may accompany some eye-rolling, but you have to be very observant to catch it. Either way, I pretty much want to hurt you. Stop doing whatever you are doing or face my wrath.

3. The walk away. This usually means, your conversation sucks and I’m resisting the urge to vomit on you. Or I had to go pee.

4. Look of disbelief. This is my, “you better check yourself because I can’t friggin’ believe you can’t hear what I’m thinking right now” look. I’m really pissed off and you need to search yourself for clues as to why that is and how you can fix it.

5. The eye twitch. You’ve touched upon a subject that makes me very uncomfortable. It is advisable you move on or you’ll lose me.

6. The snicker. You funny. You may continue to amuse me.

7. Listening. I find you interesting. Keep talking.

8. The look away. I’m resisting the urge to assert my superiority. Think about what you are saying and choose your next words carefully. Now is a good time to ask for my expert opinion.

9. Come hither. If you aren’t feelin’ it, you ain’t gettin’ it. Now whose fault is that?

10. Sleeping. Many of my best conversations happen while I am asleep. If you visit me in my sleep, make sure you are amazing so that I respect and admire you when I wake up.