How you can be a better mom

I know you’ve been waiting a long time for me to write a new post, so let me get right to it. In honor of Mother’s Day, I thought I’d give moms everywhere what they’ve been hoping for all year–unsolicited advice from a complete stranger.

Here are my quick answers to the most pressing questions new moms often have:

How to make your kids smart. Place them in front of the TV at least 8 hours a day. If that doesn’t work, give them a double dose and restrict all outside activity.

How to potty train. The age at which your child is potty trained is a direct reflection of your IQ. If anyone tells you different, they are lying (and probably stupid). Bribery and shame are both excellent tactics.

How to deal with a sick child. Contrary to popular belief, kids are rarely really sick. Often they feign fevers and vomiting as a ploy to get you stay home from work. Pump them up with drugs and then send them off to daycare/school. Do not stay home from work under any circumstances.

When to call the doctor. Never. You are always overreacting.

How to balance work and home. When your child complains they never see you, make sure to tell them that they will always come second.

How to pay for a kid. Everyone knows that the more money you throw at a kid, the better they turn out. Do not shop for bargains, do not clip coupons and NEVER buy generic. Do mortgage the house to pay for private school and max your credit cards to pay for iPads and designer jeans.

Mother Shaffer has been giving unfounded parenting advice for a while now. Since she has one child of her own, she needs no other qualification in order to spew complete rubbish. If you would like to receive a personal response to your parenting issue(s) from Mother Shaffer, please ask your questions in the comments.